The terrible pattern of horrible first dates, and even worse first impressions continues with someone I'd like to call the Mangina. We all know one. This is the guy that has some overly feminine quality, that's not pronounced enough to make you think he's gay, but just pronounced enough to make your brain have fleeting thoughts, or just to make you uncomfortable. . I met said guy shortly after my previous dating fiasco's, because although I kept meeting the rejects of this highly advertised dating site, I kept trying. Hey what can I say, I give myself kudos for not curling up into a ball and giving up on people all together. So, not unlike many of the other guys I started talking to, we hit it off at first. He was really funny, and we would spend hours talking on the phone, so from this you’d think, what could really go wrong right? No, not in the least. Like many people say, first impressions mean everything, however what most people don’t tell you is that honestly, they are usually a lie. The Mangina at first, was nice, funny and polite. He seemed like the tall drink of water I needed after all of the other mishaps I had dealt with. So the time for the meeting come, and we decide on dinner. To my surprise when he arrived he wasn’t that bad, tall dark, slightly handsome. To boot he even brought flowers, yeah seriously, you know that old school custom where the guy would bring his date flowers before they went out. I know, some of you may be shocked, seeing as how this is unheard of now. Things were well, slight draw back... his voice. That’s right remember the definition of “Mangina” well this guy had the voice of a teenage girl with strep throat. Not necessarily too high, but definitely on the feminine side. However this was easy to put on the way side, that’s right fellas, flowers go along way with a girl you don’t know very well, please feel free to take notes. So lets get down to the nitty gritty of the date. First things first we went to a nice hibachi restaurant, which I was really impressed, this was one of the nicer places a guy had ever taken me, seeing as how I was blessed with finding the unemployed, or those with a distinguished taste of say, McDonald's. Be that as it may, if it made it in this book, something had to go horribly, and or uncomfortably wrong, right? Correct you are. As we waited for a table, and said date bought me a drink, another point added to the brownie list that was soon to go up in flames, I decided there was no better time to get to know him. After all, alcohol makes an honest person out of everyone. So as we begin to talk, he tells me about his ex wife. Stop the tape, ex wife?! Yes, you’ve read correctly, he had an ex wife. Now, its one to have an ex wife, that I could get over if you’re a nice guy, but then as he continued to talk, I could all but hear the ticking of that inevitable bomb growing closer and closer to zero. I learned in a rather short span of time, that the ex wife in question was actually someone that he married young, and as well as someone that he helped support their drug habit. After all, nothing says “I love you baby” like putting yourself into thousands of dollars of debt for the sake of a filthy habit. I bet black tar heroin never sounded so good huh? I digress, so hearing this I’m thinking, wow, what an awkward thing to bring up, and me being the trooper I am, decided even I could over look this right? Find the sweetness in it, that you know, you loved someone so much you do that? Aw shucks. However, it didn’t stop there, after learning that and not only a case of alcoholism on his part, I also realized that we were total opposites. Like a good couple for us to have double dated with would have been Satan and Jesus himself. Really, because if there isn’t anything more frightening then an alcoholic who enables someone drug habits, it’s a republican who’s rather religious. Not to mention a walking contradiction, but hey that’s the beauty of the human race, right? So if you can swallow that and move on we’ll continue to the dinner. My mistake came, in the fact that I didn’t realize I am not a huge of fan of real hibachi food. So even though I suffered through the awkwardness and at one point terrible portions of the date, I couldn’t even find comfort in the fact that I enjoyed the food. The lemon shrimp I got tasted a lot like fruit loops, the noodles were made of some impostor seaweed product, and not to mention the chief hit me in the face with a piece of fried egg. Now, with dinner out of the way, here comes the really bizarre part. I remember it like it was just yesterday, it’s slightly drizzling outside, and pretty cold, and I stop on the covered porch of the restaurant to smoke a cigarette, you know to get the taste of the disgusting food out of my mouth. As we are standing here, I am still, like the trooper I am, thinking of ways the date could be salvaged and brought back to the status of awesomeness it was at when he picked me up. As any girl would know, what I am thinking is that this would be the perfect opportunity to kiss. Right, now that would salvage the date, I mean who doesn’t love a good kiss? However, life doesn’t work like that and neither does this date. As we are standing there he walks to the center of the red carpet and he starts muttering expletives and oh my god. Thinking something’s wrong, or he has either gone crazy, or well maybe both I say “What’s the matter?”. That’s when the doozey comes, as he stands there he looks at me and with a straight face he mutters, drum roll please, “this is the spot where me and my wife decided to get a divorce.” Hold the phone, and cue the screeching tires sound effect. That’s right ladies and gentlemen of all the places in the world you could bring me, you decide to bring me to the last place you and your obviously lovely (drug addict) wife came to dinner?! Are you kidding? Alas, no he was not kidding and let’s just say the date went from bad to worse, as it plummeted with fascinating speeds into a total catastrophe. So reeling from this fact the car ride home is somewhat dull, we did some small talk, he held my hand, and I in my then desperate and idiotically frantic search for a relationship that didn’t blow up in my face, chocked back the night and hid it away in a portion of my brain, that I now realize is the rational part of me. We decide since its late that we’ll go back to my place and watch a movie, maybe talk a little bit. Now see, there’s a point in the date when you know if you’re going to take this the next step further and sleep with said man. Now I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was definitely not going to sleep with the Mangina, however this is where things get a little rocky, because guys are never so sure of this fact, and will try and try again, until either they reach their desired goals, or are pepper sprayed into submission and are finally forced to leave. Now, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with him, however in my desperation, my standards were rather low at the time so I figured harmless making out wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? Wrong, I mean after all the phrase give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile wasn’t coined for no reason. So lets get down to the nitty gritty, this could get ugly. We make it to my house, or should I say my mothers house, seeing as how at the time I was still living at home, he decides that oh now is the time to start laying on the kisses. What I had come to realize and what I had gotten used to at the end of my dating fiasco's to where I am now, is that the lot of the douche bags that I dated, had a real problem with knowing when to not attack a girls face, and to remove their tongue from her throat. That’s right, and lets just say he wanted this to lead to something you know, a little more NC 17, or lets just be obvious, XXX. After a quite a bit of time of saying “No” to the point where it didn’t have its meaning anymore, the man just would not get the point. So finally it becomes pretty obvious that he is after one specific thing, I decide to ask him. Heres where things get really charming, and I probably shouldn’t have expected anything less, but I ask when was the last time you had a one night stand? Thinking back on it, really what would have been an exceptable answer for me other then, oh me?! I never have one night stands? Needless to say, the answer was no where even in the same zip code as never, and more in the neighborhood of 4 days ago. Awesome prince charming, just what I wanted to hear. So after all that I decide enough's enough, however the Mangina just wont leave. Lets rap this cataclysmic disaster up, finally the man leaves my house at around 7 in the morning to change and, you guessed it, go to church like a good little boy. I wonder what God thinks about your Saturday nights, or does he just turn his cheek? Now its at this point that being a trooper turns straight into a tragic case of denial, and when the 11 am rejection came in the form of a text saying only “Sam I had a lot of fun, but I am sorry I can’t see you ever again” was not taken lightly. That’s right yet another date had blown up in my face and left me with a feeling of defeat and anger. Although when you have amazing friends your rebound time is around 2 days, and I was back on the market searching for the next adventure and boy did I find it, but not necessarily the kind of adventure I had in mind....




As always, I hope if anyone is actually reading my ramblings, that you're enjoying them. More to come. 8)