So, we're gonna take a quick left turn here, believe me theres more about the work place I'm gonna tell you but for now I'd like to segway into a deeper insanity, which was my 6 month stint of online dating. Believe me theres a reason why I refer to it like it was a prision sentence, because those dates where just about as smooth, eloquent and gentelmanly as a convictied prisoner.
So, as my journey continues, and after many suffered failures with the opposite sex, I was talked into online dating. How exactly do you get bullied into online dating?? Yeah I asked myself the same question. One day after a date of mine unsurprisingly turned dreadful, my mom being the lovely supportive woman she is, decided that enough was enough and I needed to take into my own hands the power to find someone that wasn't a complete...well lets put this nicely, a complete idiot. At first I totally rejected the idea. I mean come on that was the rock bottom for me, I mean think about it, you cant find someone worth while on your own so you have to resort to some fake dr on a website that charges an arm and a leg to find someone for you. Based on what? A survey of questions only about yourself? How this is supposed to work exactly is still a mystery to me. So she made me an offer, she'd pay for the first 3 months, and see where that got me. I mean surely I could find Mr. Right in 3 months. Couldn't I? So I signed up and made my profile, answered the 80 million questions about myself such as, what are your values, what do you like best in a man, what attracts you to someone, what would be a deal breaker for you? Easy enough right, so then the waiting begins. It wasn't long before I started getting messaged by a ton of different guys. At first this was so exciting. It was like a supermarket for the single, where you could go around and look at the fruit squeeze it and decide which avocado would be best. However, all that quickly faded as date after date turned out to be a disaster. This slowly made me lose faith in even the idea of online dating work, which played hell on my self esteem, which I think any girl could attest to if the singles market of other people who obviously have some social disability where finding new and colorful ways to reject you. It all started with a strikingly handsome man, we'll call him the Adrenaline Douche. This much like the other singles I talked to was rather short lived. At first we got along great, sent messages back and forth and then, concurring all my fears and mustering up some self confidence I decided to meet him. The date really wasn't that awesome, I picked him up, which isnt exactly Cinderella fairytale date worthy, and icing on the cake? We went to apple bees. Not that I am by any means high maintenance, i don't mind going out to crappy restaurants, I mean seriously Im the girl that used to frequent Waffle House of all places, the home of Texas's worst greasiest foods. But you just know going to Apple Bees and you picking up your date, that it really isn't going to be one for the books. Or unfortunately in this case it would be one for the books, just not the right book. So we get to the restaurant and things arent too terrible, until he actually opens his mouth. It wasn't just the weird lisp that he spoke with, but he had the sense of humor of a 14 yr old adolescent boy. You know all sexual innuendos, and snot nosed comments. For example we sat by the bar, and at the time I couldn't drink, so he starts ordering beers, for himself. Yes because guys, every girl in the world wants you to get drunk on their date. Nice going. So as he's slamming back his beers, he orders some seafood dish, and I get something else that's all American, of the clog your arteries just looking at it variety. This is were he reverts from 24 to 14 to 10 all in the span of 10 sec. Pretty impressive I think. The waiter comes up and brings out the seafood dish, which consisted of some disgusting forgettable side, and the pan friend fish, served on wood..See here is the problem, never give someone with just enough brain cells to fire off a few inappropriate jokes a piece of fish on a plank of wood. So for the entirety of the date there were a few sprinkled conversations about our pasts, what we liked to do, you know the usual. Unfortunately there were more comments like "You staring at my wood?" followed by chuckles, and the ever popular "You wanna touch my wood?". So finally the date comes to an end, and at this point Im thinking, hell even if he inst very bright, he's still been sort of nice, and he's kinda cute..As long as he doesn't speak. So he walks me to my car, but then informs me, while he was so classy as to answer his text messages during our date, that a friend of his is conveniently located at the bar next to the restaurant. So knight and shining armor takes his leave, and walks to the bar, with a goodbye and a hug. So I go home a little deflated. I mean usually during a date you don't tell the other person, ok bye Im going to the bar. But hey whatever. So as if that inst bad enough, and I've definitely chalked that up to a one date only, 3 am rolls around. Then there is the infamous douche move, the drunk text. He then tells me, at 3am, that I should come over and "watch a movie". Now were all adults here, so its safe to assume that everyone knows the 3am "movie" invite, is nothing more then a glorified and sloppily hidden booty call. So I respectfully decline, and tell him I'd be more then happy to watch a movie with him at a more manageable time. However the douche that Mr Not ever in a million years is, gets mad, and I never hear from him ever again. My thoughts, I probably dodged a bullet there, lord knows I wouldn't want to be stuck dating someone with a lisp that cant go fifteen minutes without making some corny semi sexual joke, thats not even funny. Who knows where the Adrenaline Douche is today, but with all aside, we can go ahead and hope he found Ms. Right for him, and is happy. No hard feelings I say. So the story goes on, I knew I wasnt going to hear from him again so I decided to keep on shopping. Interests come and go, and then the next date in our survivors, I mean daters, guide book comes along.
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