The terrible pattern of horrible first dates, and even worse first impressions continues with someone I'd like to call the Mangina. We all know one. This is the guy that has some overly feminine quality, that's not pronounced enough to make you think he's gay, but just pronounced enough to make your brain have fleeting thoughts, or just to make you uncomfortable. . I met said guy shortly after my previous dating fiasco's, because although I kept meeting the rejects of this highly advertised dating site, I kept trying. Hey what can I say, I give myself kudos for not curling up into a ball and giving up on people all together. So, not unlike many of the other guys I started talking to, we hit it off at first. He was really funny, and we would spend hours talking on the phone, so from this you’d think, what could really go wrong right? No, not in the least. Like many people say, first impressions mean everything, however what most people don’t tell you is that honestly, they are usually a lie. The Mangina at first, was nice, funny and polite. He seemed like the tall drink of water I needed after all of the other mishaps I had dealt with. So the time for the meeting come, and we decide on dinner. To my surprise when he arrived he wasn’t that bad, tall dark, slightly handsome. To boot he even brought flowers, yeah seriously, you know that old school custom where the guy would bring his date flowers before they went out. I know, some of you may be shocked, seeing as how this is unheard of now. Things were well, slight draw back... his voice. That’s right remember the definition of “Mangina” well this guy had the voice of a teenage girl with strep throat. Not necessarily too high, but definitely on the feminine side. However this was easy to put on the way side, that’s right fellas, flowers go along way with a girl you don’t know very well, please feel free to take notes. So lets get down to the nitty gritty of the date. First things first we went to a nice hibachi restaurant, which I was really impressed, this was one of the nicer places a guy had ever taken me, seeing as how I was blessed with finding the unemployed, or those with a distinguished taste of say, McDonald's. Be that as it may, if it made it in this book, something had to go horribly, and or uncomfortably wrong, right? Correct you are. As we waited for a table, and said date bought me a drink, another point added to the brownie list that was soon to go up in flames, I decided there was no better time to get to know him. After all, alcohol makes an honest person out of everyone. So as we begin to talk, he tells me about his ex wife. Stop the tape, ex wife?! Yes, you’ve read correctly, he had an ex wife. Now, its one to have an ex wife, that I could get over if you’re a nice guy, but then as he continued to talk, I could all but hear the ticking of that inevitable bomb growing closer and closer to zero. I learned in a rather short span of time, that the ex wife in question was actually someone that he married young, and as well as someone that he helped support their drug habit. After all, nothing says “I love you baby” like putting yourself into thousands of dollars of debt for the sake of a filthy habit. I bet black tar heroin never sounded so good huh? I digress, so hearing this I’m thinking, wow, what an awkward thing to bring up, and me being the trooper I am, decided even I could over look this right? Find the sweetness in it, that you know, you loved someone so much you do that? Aw shucks. However, it didn’t stop there, after learning that and not only a case of alcoholism on his part, I also realized that we were total opposites. Like a good couple for us to have double dated with would have been Satan and Jesus himself. Really, because if there isn’t anything more frightening then an alcoholic who enables someone drug habits, it’s a republican who’s rather religious. Not to mention a walking contradiction, but hey that’s the beauty of the human race, right? So if you can swallow that and move on we’ll continue to the dinner. My mistake came, in the fact that I didn’t realize I am not a huge of fan of real hibachi food. So even though I suffered through the awkwardness and at one point terrible portions of the date, I couldn’t even find comfort in the fact that I enjoyed the food. The lemon shrimp I got tasted a lot like fruit loops, the noodles were made of some impostor seaweed product, and not to mention the chief hit me in the face with a piece of fried egg. Now, with dinner out of the way, here comes the really bizarre part. I remember it like it was just yesterday, it’s slightly drizzling outside, and pretty cold, and I stop on the covered porch of the restaurant to smoke a cigarette, you know to get the taste of the disgusting food out of my mouth. As we are standing here, I am still, like the trooper I am, thinking of ways the date could be salvaged and brought back to the status of awesomeness it was at when he picked me up. As any girl would know, what I am thinking is that this would be the perfect opportunity to kiss. Right, now that would salvage the date, I mean who doesn’t love a good kiss? However, life doesn’t work like that and neither does this date. As we are standing there he walks to the center of the red carpet and he starts muttering expletives and oh my god. Thinking something’s wrong, or he has either gone crazy, or well maybe both I say “What’s the matter?”. That’s when the doozey comes, as he stands there he looks at me and with a straight face he mutters, drum roll please, “this is the spot where me and my wife decided to get a divorce.” Hold the phone, and cue the screeching tires sound effect. That’s right ladies and gentlemen of all the places in the world you could bring me, you decide to bring me to the last place you and your obviously lovely (drug addict) wife came to dinner?! Are you kidding? Alas, no he was not kidding and let’s just say the date went from bad to worse, as it plummeted with fascinating speeds into a total catastrophe. So reeling from this fact the car ride home is somewhat dull, we did some small talk, he held my hand, and I in my then desperate and idiotically frantic search for a relationship that didn’t blow up in my face, chocked back the night and hid it away in a portion of my brain, that I now realize is the rational part of me. We decide since its late that we’ll go back to my place and watch a movie, maybe talk a little bit. Now see, there’s a point in the date when you know if you’re going to take this the next step further and sleep with said man. Now I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was definitely not going to sleep with the Mangina, however this is where things get a little rocky, because guys are never so sure of this fact, and will try and try again, until either they reach their desired goals, or are pepper sprayed into submission and are finally forced to leave. Now, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with him, however in my desperation, my standards were rather low at the time so I figured harmless making out wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? Wrong, I mean after all the phrase give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile wasn’t coined for no reason. So lets get down to the nitty gritty, this could get ugly. We make it to my house, or should I say my mothers house, seeing as how at the time I was still living at home, he decides that oh now is the time to start laying on the kisses. What I had come to realize and what I had gotten used to at the end of my dating fiasco's to where I am now, is that the lot of the douche bags that I dated, had a real problem with knowing when to not attack a girls face, and to remove their tongue from her throat. That’s right, and lets just say he wanted this to lead to something you know, a little more NC 17, or lets just be obvious, XXX. After a quite a bit of time of saying “No” to the point where it didn’t have its meaning anymore, the man just would not get the point. So finally it becomes pretty obvious that he is after one specific thing, I decide to ask him. Heres where things get really charming, and I probably shouldn’t have expected anything less, but I ask when was the last time you had a one night stand? Thinking back on it, really what would have been an exceptable answer for me other then, oh me?! I never have one night stands? Needless to say, the answer was no where even in the same zip code as never, and more in the neighborhood of 4 days ago. Awesome prince charming, just what I wanted to hear. So after all that I decide enough's enough, however the Mangina just wont leave. Lets rap this cataclysmic disaster up, finally the man leaves my house at around 7 in the morning to change and, you guessed it, go to church like a good little boy. I wonder what God thinks about your Saturday nights, or does he just turn his cheek? Now its at this point that being a trooper turns straight into a tragic case of denial, and when the 11 am rejection came in the form of a text saying only “Sam I had a lot of fun, but I am sorry I can’t see you ever again” was not taken lightly. That’s right yet another date had blown up in my face and left me with a feeling of defeat and anger. Although when you have amazing friends your rebound time is around 2 days, and I was back on the market searching for the next adventure and boy did I find it, but not necessarily the kind of adventure I had in mind....




As always, I hope if anyone is actually reading my ramblings, that you're enjoying them. More to come. 8)

Parties, Dates, and Temporary insanity.

So, we're gonna take a quick left turn here, believe me theres more about the work place I'm gonna tell you but for now I'd like to segway into a deeper insanity, which was my 6 month stint of online dating. Believe me theres a reason why I refer to it like it was a prision sentence, because those dates where just about as smooth, eloquent and gentelmanly as a convictied prisoner.

So, as my journey continues, and after many suffered failures with the opposite sex, I was talked into online dating. How exactly do you get bullied into online dating?? Yeah I asked myself the same question. One day after a date of mine unsurprisingly turned dreadful, my mom being the lovely supportive woman she is, decided that enough was enough and I needed to take into my own hands the power to find someone that wasn't a complete...well lets put this nicely, a complete idiot. At first I totally rejected the idea. I mean come on that was the rock bottom for me, I mean think about it, you cant find someone worth while on your own so you have to resort to some fake dr on a website that charges an arm and a leg to find someone for you. Based on what? A survey of questions only about yourself? How this is supposed to work exactly is still a mystery to me. So she made me an offer, she'd pay for the first 3 months, and see where that got me. I mean surely I could find Mr. Right in 3 months. Couldn't I? So I signed up and made my profile, answered the 80 million questions about myself such as, what are your values, what do you like best in a man, what attracts you to someone, what would be a deal breaker for you? Easy enough right, so then the waiting begins. It wasn't long before I started getting messaged by a ton of different guys. At first this was so exciting. It was like a supermarket for the single, where you could go around and look at the fruit squeeze it and decide which avocado would be best. However, all that quickly faded as date after date turned out to be a disaster. This slowly made me lose faith in even the idea of online dating work, which played hell on my self esteem, which I think any girl could attest to if the singles market of other people who obviously have some social disability where finding new and colorful ways to reject you. It all started with a strikingly handsome man, we'll call him the Adrenaline Douche. This much like the other singles I talked to was rather short lived. At first we got along great, sent messages back and forth and then, concurring all my fears and mustering up some self confidence I decided to meet him. The date really wasn't that awesome, I picked him up, which isnt exactly Cinderella fairytale date worthy, and icing on the cake? We went to apple bees. Not that I am by any means high maintenance, i don't mind going out to crappy restaurants, I mean seriously Im the girl that used to frequent Waffle House of all places, the home of Texas's worst greasiest foods. But you just know going to Apple Bees and you picking up your date, that it really isn't going to be one for the books. Or unfortunately in this case it would be one for the books, just not the right book. So we get to the restaurant and things arent too terrible, until he actually opens his mouth. It wasn't just the weird lisp that he spoke with, but he had the sense of humor of a 14 yr old adolescent boy. You know all sexual innuendos, and snot nosed comments. For example we sat by the bar, and at the time I couldn't drink, so he starts ordering beers, for himself. Yes because guys, every girl in the world wants you to get drunk on their date. Nice going. So as he's slamming back his beers, he orders some seafood dish, and I get something else that's all American, of the clog your arteries just looking at it variety. This is were he reverts from 24 to 14 to 10 all in the span of 10 sec. Pretty impressive I think. The waiter comes up and brings out the seafood dish, which consisted of some disgusting forgettable side, and the pan friend fish, served on wood..See here is the problem, never give someone with just enough brain cells to fire off a few inappropriate jokes a piece of fish on a plank of wood. So for the entirety of the date there were a few sprinkled conversations about our pasts, what we liked to do, you know the usual. Unfortunately there were more comments like "You staring at my wood?" followed by chuckles, and the ever popular "You wanna touch my wood?". So finally the date comes to an end, and at this point Im thinking, hell even if he inst very bright, he's still been sort of nice, and he's kinda cute..As long as he doesn't speak. So he walks me to my car, but then informs me, while he was so classy as to answer his text messages during our date, that a friend of his is conveniently  located at the bar next to the restaurant. So knight and shining armor takes his leave, and walks to the bar, with a goodbye and a hug. So I go home a little deflated. I mean usually during a date you don't tell the other person, ok bye Im going to the bar. But hey whatever. So as if that inst bad enough, and I've definitely chalked that up to a one date only, 3 am rolls around. Then there is the infamous douche move, the drunk text. He then tells me, at 3am, that I should come over and "watch a movie". Now were all adults here, so its safe to assume that everyone knows the 3am "movie" invite, is nothing more then a glorified and sloppily hidden booty call. So I respectfully decline, and tell him I'd be more then happy to watch a movie with him at a more manageable time. However the douche that Mr Not ever in a million years is, gets mad, and I never hear from him ever again. My thoughts, I probably dodged a bullet there, lord knows I wouldn't want to be stuck dating someone with a lisp that cant go fifteen minutes without making some corny semi sexual joke, thats not even funny. Who knows where the Adrenaline Douche is today, but with all aside, we can go ahead and hope he found Ms. Right for him, and is happy. No hard feelings I say. So the story goes on, I knew I wasnt going to hear from him again so I decided to keep on shopping. Interests come and go, and then the next date in our survivors, I mean daters, guide book comes along. 

The Work Place...Ripe For The Picking..

Lets take a small detour shall we? So college was fun...for awhile, being in a big university had its excitment, and then being actually on my own slapped me in the face like a red headed step child. So in 08 I decided to take the year off, and still to this day have absolutely no idea what exactly I want to do, but my indecision is a compeletly diffrent story. So fresh out of my first year of college, if I wasnt going to go to school then I had to get a job. Otherwise I would have been a total bum and, believe me, no one was going to have that. So I started my first job at Kroger. (fancy right?) and you'd think theres nothing exciting about working in a grocery store....and you'd be right. But, where teenagers and 20 somethings work, drama, dating, and fights go hand in hand like the elderly and expired coupons.

So here is where the journey continues. After that debacle I called my first boyfriend I met my second one, while working in Kroger's. I didn't meet him at work though, but this is too good of story to pass up. I actually met him through some family friends. Now for some unknown reason to me, I had fallen into the habit, I guess from the previous douchebag, of paying...for EVERYTHING, hey old habits die hard right? Don't get me wrong this isn't he 1950s and I by no means am one of those girls that thinks oh you have a hang-down, you pay for the dates. Not at all, I don't mind pitching in, or doing things on my treat, but for a long time I paid for everything. I honestly think if I had all that money right now I could probably afford my dream car no problem. So the new guy, well call him "A", (for asshole) his biggest flaw, was that he thought without a shadow of a doubt he was Gods gift to women. You should never be so cocky gentlemen, all girls at some point realize that all this means is well, you would be the crappy AM FM stuffed animal radio that was re-gifted, if God did such a thing. And "A" was no exception to this rule. In the beginning, as with most relationships, everything was great. He was new and fun, and I didn't think anything could go wrong. Incorrect, I mean come on Murphy's law is "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." so I should have prepared myself. So as the weeks went on all I began to hear about was how great "A" was in the sack. A real romance novel worthy fabio if you will. He attributed his "talents" if you will to being raised by women...This is like saying I'm a fucking rocket scientist because my dad was one, or I'm a Doctor because I have medical books in the book shelf. So after a while of waiting for the sex to happen, because I did always try to wait, wether I succeeded or not, we finally decided to go all the way. Now, lets take a minute to guess exactly what happened.......Yep thats right, this guy was about as experienced as I am at olympic gymnastics, and thats not at all. Now I will interject that I don't make sex the most important part of the relationship, I mean after all you could be a total winner in the bedroom, but shitty boyfriend material. What made "A" material for this..blog I guess...wasnt that he sucked in the sack, or that he was umm, on the smaller scale, or even that he was like the little engine that couldnt hold his load, it was the reaction to these devastating qualities. Myself, I took everything in stride, because honestly I actually liked the guy. So low and behold 4 days later he decided that I was to blame and said "It's not that I dont like you...it's just i cant DATE some one Im not 100 % into.." Let that soak in for a minute, is your brain nice and marinated yet? Ok, so I'm sure youre on the same page I was right? My response was, well I guess that make sense, how much into me do you have to be to have sex with me...20% 50%? Well lets just say when he was taken a back by my less then friendly response, he sheepishly said I didnt want to be a dick. Well men, if you break up with a girl and DONT want to sound like a dick, then please dont include percentages into your "this is why I dont want to date you anymore" speech.

So that was that...another one bites the dust. Now I was really sad, I wont lie, I cried like a baby, and wondered what the fuck was that all about, but believe me that quickly changed to pure rage, and revenge is best served with a side dish of anger on a plate of beat that ass. So immediatly after my second failed relationship I needed a shoulder to cry on, so I went to my dads friends house, where I knew I could vent to my "second mom" she was easy to talk to, and I knew she'd make me feel better. When I told her everything, in true motherly fashion, she called "A's" mother. Embarassing? Slightly, but in a strange way it felt good to have someone stick up for me. Heres where the douchebaggery flings itself willingly into epic failure mode. So according to "A's" mom not only did she know we had broken up....but low and fucking behold "A" had been talking about it for a week...Except in true asshole form, he decided to wait untill after the sex to actually go through with it. Yeah and we all know about the phrase "guys only want one thing"...see College Dropout. So like I said, revenge is served well with this kind of shitty behavior, so I could only do one thing. That was to tell everyone just how "great" he was in the sack, that and a particularly heafty seceret that I can only say involves a little homo erotica and a thirteen year old boys back door virginity...or virginity in general if you know what I'm saying. In the end, it was me and my vindictive ass that had the last laugh.

Ladies, revenge is never something I would out right tell you is a good thing to do. But I'm honest and believe me it can really help the healing process. So that's it for now, as always I hope you enjoyed, and hope you read whats to come : )

The College Dropout

Ah, let the story telling begin. Excited? You should be. Now even though I always wanted the perfect boyfriend, high school was a barren waste land for me. No boys liked me, and the ones that did never went anywhere. Hell I didnt even have my first kiss untill...dare I tell you?..I was 19. Except for the one guy that kind of forced this weird half assed peck on me when I was in 9th grade, but he was SUPER creepy, like wound up being a backyard wrestler, and most likely is a convicted felon by now. However that doesn't count, at least not to me. So four long years came and passed. I went from being the nerdy fat girl that always got made fun of, to the weird punk girl that wore knee high neon toe socks, Vans skate shoes and baggy jeans rolled up around my knees. Hey I didnt say I had amazing taste back then, much less any sense of style. However as I neared graduation I started to shed my weird awkwardness and became a somewhat normal looking girl. Alas as graduation neared, the prospect of a big university was right around the corner. The first taste of freedom, and along with that freedom opened the door to my first experiences with guys, and the search for love.

College, the word it self brings an onslaught of images, drinking, sex....drinking..and oh did I mention sex. This whole higher education is backed by the promise of many a night of plastic red cups, throwing up in bushes, and inevitably making some hefty mistakes.

The first guy I ever dated, the first guy I did...anything with..you know what I mean, I met in my freshman year of college. The first red blaring sign, that should have reached up and slapped me right in the face, was that I met him on the once popular networking site Myspace, which now happens to be the Detroit of the Internet. Even then I thought he was weird, he was a techno geek, and not to mention he was big into drugs. Pot, X, alcohol, pretty much anything that was mood altering was this guys breakfast lunch and dinner. Now, I have thought long and hard exactly why I gave up the big V to this guy of all the people in the world, and honestly I think it was the excitement of finally finding someone that paid attention to me. He told me I was pretty, he told me he liked me, he kissed me for real for the first time ever. Even that was slightly awkward, I remember being afraid, and feeling nervous knots in my stomach. Hey thats normal though. Eventually I think I convinced  myself to like him, and then, TADA, one rainy Wednesday night, it happend. Believe me it was nothing special, but afterwards I learned the fast hard lesson that when a boy is only 20 (well atleast 90% of them) there is only one thing that they want, and they are genetically inclined to do and say anything to convience a young girl to give just that to them. This relationship is what really started the snow balling affect of weird relationships and even stranger breakups.... Now I want you to take a minute and realize that I'm not writting this as some soppy sad story, believe me I have had my time during these relationships to be mad, and cry, and lash out, and have breakdowns, but honestly the ability to look back and find the comedy in these stories is what makes it feel like a closed chapter of my life, but we'll get more into that later down the road. Anyways, so what felt like an eternity, and what felt like true love (sad, HUGE mistake) came to an end only a few short months later. He had failed to tell me he wasn't "ready", not to mention the fact that he had left out he didnt want a girlfriend to begin with, had cheated on me countless times (5 or more girls) and had also, and most importantly, had to get an STD test, and we're talking for EVERYTHING people, because of the not so clean people he decided to stick it to...literally. So needless to say, I ended things, and in true first break up rituals, I lost my shit. But only for a minute, because not but a few days later, in true douchebag behavior, he thought he could try to fuck my best friend. She wasnt having any of it, of course all girls know that is the cardinal rule, "thou shall not lay with thy friends ex douchebag boyfriends.", and told me immediatly, and I saw the light.

And that people, is that for my second installment. There you have the somewhat condensed story of my first boyfriend, and the beginning of a long journey of the weird true and freaky of failed relationships you're likely to hear. Well, at least for awhile, unless you've got your own. More to come..Hope you enjoyed. : D

And So It begins...

It comes as no surprise to women (and men alike I'm sure...let's give them some credit) that the search for love can bring everything from tears, to laughter, to moments of complete bewilderment. Those moments I have dubbed as my moments of "WHAT THE FUCK?!?", and not unlike millions of women in the world I have experienced more then my fair share of these moments. This chronicle is a way to document the many, and mostly comical situations that I think just about every female can say they have found themselves in, and really to give light to the epidemic of douche baggery that lurks and dwell everywhere, and in a surprising number of people. It's true, really. Most of you know them personally, could be friends (everyone has an asshole friend..Right?), an ex, or maybe even yourself...if you're honest enough to admit it.

Ever since I was young enough to become interested in boys, I never had much luck. I think that myself, along with alot of women, had this fairy tale image of the perfect boyfriend. He would be tall, rugged but not dirty you know, not like Kurt Cobain or some angsty rock and roller who doesn't believe in bathing, but that handsome man that you could give a tooth pick some gum and a few paper clips and he'd build you a shopping mall. Not to mention he would be kind and funny, and he would love me unconditionally. For along time I struggled to find this made up man. My dream, my knight in shinning armor ... However, along the way I found everything but that. Total opposites, I had the Kurt Cobain wannabes, the weirdos, the stage five creepers, the guys that would take me out to dinner and not buy me food, or expect me to pay. Yes that really happens if you've never experienced it yourself. I think you'll find, if you read this, that it's my way to relate, and enlighten at least someone. You're not alone, love is a messy game, and all is fair in war..right?

To be continued everyday...maybe I'll make you smile, I'm sure I'll make you laugh (purely at my expense) but hopefully at the end, if anyone's wondering when and if their bad luck will end, that it will, and at least along the way, you'll have a stories to share, and jokes to make. I truly hope you enjoy the stories to come. :)